I'm hoping to publish my debut book, Ocean of Dust in late September, so it's time to run a few competitions, and hopefully you can help me out.Leave a Comment:
12 comments
This book sounds very interesting. It sounds like something that
You could turn on the news today and hear something
Familiar. Sounds so real. Whether chosen or not I can
Tell you that I will be adding this book to my personal
Library. I can’t wait to see how Lissa comes to the aid of
herself as well as the people that need her help so
Desperately
Hi Buddy, first paragraph, second sentence feels unfinished. Like it needs a bit more gramatically? EG: “Trading vessels use the mysterious force known as Flux, rather than wind power…” to do what? “…fill their sails?”, “…drive their turbines?”…
Last para, first sentence, can I humbly suggest you replace “creepy” with something more evocative? “mysterious”, or “eerie” maybe? Otherwise, for a YA audience, this sounds very intriguing! Looking good!!!!
Hi Graeme! The books sounds great. Here are a few suggestions. Take what you like and discard the rest. I threw in a time period (not knowing the book, I didn’t know what time period), because it helps a potential reader get a little more grounded. You can change it to any date you like. Here goes:
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Circa 1849 – When 14 year old Lissa attempts to save a rich boy from street thugs, she finds herself captured and forced into servitude on a trading ship. Bound for distant lands across the oceans of Sechina – the oceans of dust – elusive whispers begin to invade Lissa’s mind. The cryptic messages drive her toward an incredible discovery – Lissa possesses a mysterious ability that is somehow linked to the dust of the seas.
Being less than liked by a fellow serving girl, and worse, by the first officer, Farq, Lissa must fight daily in order to stay alive. Soon, she uncovers a conspiracy involving secret weapons, and is forced to master her new found talent, muster up courage, and save the ship’s crew. Time is not on her side and all is not as it seems. Will Lissa be able to unravel the mysterious clues before it’s too late, or will the death of her sea mates be inevitable?
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I have been waiting ages for a hint at your writing mister, and this sounds like my cup of tea. It has my imagination already stirring with vivid colours, harsh sea life and poor youngsters enduring hardships. I love the magic elements also. Cant wait to read this! and I know I am going to enjoy reviewing it :))) yay!
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Definitely sounds interesting! I think it might be more compelling if we jumped right into whats happening w/Lissa (great name, BTW!), rather than describing the world so much. I would also try to eliminate all to be verbs (sorry, I have no apostrophes or quotes on this computer!).
I think you could actually ditch the serving girl and the Farq info (that 2nd half of the 2nd paragraph), and just stick with Lissa–that she has a mysterious ability and has to use it to make a discovery (why? what hinges on this discovery? maybe thwarting a weapons plot?).
Just some ideas, but I think it sounds like a solid plotline and something Id enjoy reading!
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Here’s the latest version:
When thugs attack a rich boy in the street, 14-year old Lissa attempts to help, only to be captured along with him. She unwillingly becomes a servant on a trading ship, bound for distant lands across a waterless ocean of grey dust.
Her life aboard ship is a miserable one, and it feels as if everyone has it in for her, especially the cruel first officer. But, armed with a couple of allies, she works hard to stay ahead of the next beating.
Fascinated by the ocean of dust, she becomes embroiled in its mysteries, seeing things that no one else can, and hearing cryptic whispers in her head. After uncovering a conspiracy that revolves around the rich boy, all is not as it seems, but can she unravel the clues before it’s too late? With the lives of her friends at stake, everything hinges upon her courage and ability to master her new talent.
Reply Hi Graeme, I just came from your website where I read this:
Fourteen-year old Lissa is snatched from her home and finds herself a slave on a trading ship traveling a waterless ocean of grey dust. A feisty, curious and intelligent girl, her desire to explore pits her against a treacherous crew.
Whispers in her head are driving her toward a destiny linked to the creepy ship’s navigator. She alone shares his secret talent, linked to the ocean of dust itself. All is not as it seems, but can she unravel the clues before it is too late?
When a sinister plot casts her adrift on the endless ocean, she must master her new talent and use all her wits and bravery to save the ship.
I LOVE this! Why aren’t you using this? It’s short, definitely catchy and suspenseful, and most assuredly piqued my curiosity enough for me to want to pick it up. Just curious.
As for your most recent blurb here – It’s good, but still not quite catchy enough. I think my trouble is with the middle paragraph. Wish I could put my finger on it…
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Hello Dee Ann, I think that’s a variation on the blurb that I used in my query letters. Since I didn’t get a single request for more pages, I had assumed that blurb was not compelling enough.
lol, I guess it goes to show that whatever blurb one puts out, some are going to be interested by it and others not.
Reply I love this updated blurb! Very smooth and its great that you dont throw too many names/details at us all at once. Definitely better than the first. Great job!
Reply Thank you everyone for your very helpful comments. I really appreciate it.
I’m going to go with a cross between my “query blurb” that Dee Ann pointed out is on my home page, and the updated version I made in an earlier comment. Both seem much better than my original post. I’m obviously not going to grab everyone with whatever I write.
Since only 5 people took part, it seems silly to pick 3 winners, so all 5 of you get a free copy of my ebook when it comes out (hopefully early October). Congratulations, everyone’s a winner 🙂 LOL
Please email me at graemeing@gmail.com and let me know your desired ebook format and an email I can use to send you your copy.
Thanks again.
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